Start of Summer and Looking for Jobs

I'm not sure if anyone still has any interest in reading this blog, but I had a great idea just a few minutes ago.  If a fabulous gay man like myself is going to go into the profession of teaching, there are many more stories to be told and learning experiences to be had.  Therefore, I have decided to keep up the blog to document anything I experience related to the fields of queer studies and education.  If nothing else, it will serve as a reminder to me to never give up on those who harbor hate and to always live in the light.  :)

So, I graduated from college two weeks ago.  CRAZY...  Does this mean I'm actually a big kid now?  I guess it does because over the past two weeks I've been wearing big kid clothes and visiting high school principals to give them my portfolio.  It's absolutely insane.  There are only two or three openings in my area that I know of, but I'm really hoping I can land a job somewhere.

I visited one school and was just astounded at how active its Gay/Straight Alliance organization was.  I was taken on a tour of the school and I kept noticing these posters that had the words "ally" and "gay" on them.  When I stopped to inspect, I realized the posters were exactly what I thought they were: teachers were outing themselves!  Most said "I am an ally," but others, quite plainly, had "I am gay" written on them.  I could not believe it.  Coming from the school at which I had just student taught, I was awestruck by the fact that this issue could be brought up without the sound of shotguns cocking...

I asked the people who were guiding the tour about the posters and they reinforced their policy on diversity at this particular school: not only is it tolerated, but it is encouraged.  I would love to teach at this school.

Last Day

Nothing too deep for this post... I just have something to show and tell...

Friday the 15th was my last day.  When I walked in, this is what was sitting on my desk...

That is an 80 oz. jar of jumbo pickles.  The note reads,

          "Mr. Howard,
           I thought this would be enough to last you a while.  Have fun!!"

I'll leave you to interpret the gift as you wish.  In any case, you just have to laugh at this kind of thing.  A student took his/her own time and money to purchase this huge jar of pickles for me.  He/she was thinking of me after school, and that is what really matters.  

RE: high-five* PSYCHE!

As promised in my last post, here is what I have come up with so far.  I want to keep wording on the slides to an absolute minimum because I want them to mainly listen to me.  The PowerPoint is just for an added effect.

Slide 1:  Essentially, we will have a guided discussion on the phrase "that's so gay," and students will be led to the conclusion that to say this phrase is to say homosexuality is wrong (and the entire LGBTQ community).

Slide 2:  Next, students need to realize the effect saying such ignorance has on people.  I figured that introducing them to Tyler Clementi would work.  I will give them a summary of events that led up to his tragic death and, hopefully, this will get them engaged.

Slide 3:  To really bring the punch to them, the final slide has the text from Clementi's last text message.  Having a few of the students read it aloud might really hit home for some of them.  I will relate it to them by having them think about how they would feel if their mother/father, brother/sister, boyfriend/girlfriend sent this text to them, or vice-versa.

Then, we will have a wrap-up discussion.

Let me know your thoughts!

high five* PSYCHE!

First, I apologize for the length of the post, but I have a lot to say today!

**********

Everyone is familiar with the old high school trick of “fake high-fiving.”  It is a classic method of raising a person’s spirit (perhaps a nerd’s hope of finally being accepted by the school jock?) by acting as though one is about to give a high-five then crushing it like a poor, defenseless bug by quickly taking it back from the receiver of the high-five.  OK, maybe it’s not that big of a deal… but it can still piss somebody off!  I just went through all that effort of raising my arm and putting a smile on my face just to smack your hand…

Two of my kids (in separate periods) did this to me today except there was an added twist at the end... 

The first occurrence happened in first period before class began.  I was at my podium readying my materials when Zak walked by.  He had a big smile on his face and he held up his hand so I could give him a high-five.  I was very excited to see Zak coming into class so happily.  I extended my arm to return the high-five and when Zak quickly retracted his arm, he looked me in the face and shouted, “WHO’S GAY?!”  By this, of course, he was trying to say that I was too slow to return his act of immaturity.  For a split second, I actually pondered whether I should respond.  Zak was getting closer and closer to the back of the room.  I was thinking that if I didn’t handle this situation quickly, then anything I could potentially say would lose value.  Hence, I began my rant…

I wanted to see if Zak actually had the guts to repeat what he said in front of the entire class, so I said, “Say what you said again.”  Zak turned around, shocked that I was not amused by his idiotic comment.  He softly retorted, “Good morning, Mr. Howard…?”  Obviously, this is not the remark I was looking for, so I tried to point him in the right direction.  At this point, everyone in the class was quiet and intently watching us.  It was just Zak and I in front of an audience of twenty-some people.

“No.  After the high-five.”

“Who’s gay?”

“And what exactly do you mean by that?”

“I… uh… um… well… I don’t know.”

“Exactly.  Please don’t say such ignorant things in my class anymore.”

And that was that.  Zak took his seat and the rest of the class resumed their usual talking spree until announcements.  The student who did the exact same thing in fourth period is one of my “more favorite” students to teach.  Cameron has a great sense of humor and is very intelligent.  However, when he did the fake high-five with the twist homophobic ending, it lessened my liking of him a little.  I essentially reacted the exact same way with him as I did with Zak.  I said the same things and I was calm but assertively defensive.  Cameron was taken off guard by my taking offense to his comment and he immediately backed down.

**********

Recently, I have noticed an increase in comments such as “that’s so gay” or “that’s/you’re retarded.”  The “G” and “R” words are very common in teenage vernacular.  While my ideal situation would be to never hear those words used out of context in my classroom, I realize that this is unrealistic… especially being in the shoes of a student teacher.  Students automatically make the assumption that anything goes in my classroom since I am not a “real teacher.”  Although this has lessened over time, I still have bigger things to worry about instead of if Johnny or Susie is calling something “gay” or “retarded.” 

This is not to say that I do nothing about it, however.  I realize that, even if someone is not referring to a person directly, calling something “gay” or “retarded” still insults an entire group of people when the word is used in a derogatory manner.  I do not make it a big deal in my classroom unless it is extremely insulting.  I will tell the student that that kind of language is unacceptable and, if he/she cannot use appropriate language, then there is a place for him/her in the office.

However, this is becoming such a problematic issue that I feel more action is needed.  I need something to emotionally attach these kids to the people they make fun of – something relatable to everyone and something heart-wrenching and serious.  For a while, I have thought about speaking to my kids about the suicides of the gay teens back in the Fall of 2010.  I feel that simply speaking to them, however, would not be enough.  They need a picture or some form of text that allows them to truly form a connection with these teens.  Here is my plan…

I will conjure a simple PowerPoint presentation that holds a simple moral: sometimes not thinking about your words before you say them can have deadly consequences.  First, I would have a quick guided discussing about the phrase “that’s so gay.”  Essentially, I would lead the students to the conclusion that, by using this phrase, one is equating the word gay to something bad.  Meaning, one is actually saying that homosexuality is bad or wrong.  For the emotional aspect of the presentation, I would like to include the story of Tyler Clementi, the nineteen-year-old who committed suicide after an intimate encounter of his was broadcast to his collegiate peers.  I would be able to fit Tyler’s portion of the presentation into two slides:  one for just his picture and the other for the last text message sent from his phone, which read “jumping off the george washington bridge. sorry…”

Actually seeing these words, I believe, would send a shocking realization to my students that words can kill.  I would relate this text to the students by asking how their parent(s), girlfriend or boyfriend, sister or brother, or even a caring teacher would feel if they received this text. 

I plan to put this together within the next couple of days.  I would love your thoughts on what else I could include, say, or do with this presentation.  I have a feeling I am going to be implementing this fairly soon…

Ray of Light

Several posts ago, I mentioned a student from my fourth period class named Ray.  He has been one of my more obviously homophobic students.  Ray often makes homophobic comments (not necessarily toward or about me) and constantly attempts to intimidate me with his large stature and “redneck appeal.”

However, a few weeks ago, Ray was faced with an extreme medical emergency that could have taken – and could still possibly take – his life.  He had missed an entire week of class, and neither I nor my host teacher had any idea of what was going on with him.  On Thursday and Friday of that week, Ray’s girlfriend visited our class to get his missed work.  I inquired of the situation and she responded by saying that he was “okay” but very sick.

Ray showed up before school started the following Monday in very weak condition.  He wore his same old camouflage jacket, beat-up jeans, and scuffed boots, but his face was sunken and pale.  Ray’s girlfriend was following him carrying both Ray’s bookbag as well as her own.  Ray sat down with me to explain exactly what had happened.

The symptoms Ray were describing sounded like severe acid reflux.  Ray explained that he had an ulcer in his small intestine, his spleen was extremely enlarged, and the lining in his esophagus had essentially eroded.  Any strenuous physical activity or a sudden strike to Ray’s stomach could rupture his spleen, resulting in his death.  He held a protein shake bottle in his hand the entire time he was explaining this to me, and he must have saw me staring at it because he then added that he would not be able to eat any solid food for weeks. 

For the first time, I felt a genuine sympathy for Ray.  I offered any help I could to him: leaving his geometry books and supplies in my room, keeping any liquids (such as protein shakes or water) in the fridge in the back room, and even sitting in my chair at my desk during class.  I believe this allowed Ray to see me stripped of all stigma.  For once, he did not see me as a queer man who had an annoying passion for math, but as a caring teacher who only wants the best for his students.

Since then, Ray visits my class at many instances throughout the day.  He is in my class before school begins (despite the fact that I don’t teach his class until later in the day), during his lunch period, and sometimes he even hangs around after school.  Ray and I have been able to “cut up” together, and sometimes we even share a smile.  Ray has been an eye-opening reminder of why I wanted to go into the profession of teaching to begin with: to make a difference.

Callin' the 'Rents

This post isn't one directly related to homophobia in public schools, but it does concern the student I talked about in yesterday's post (Bob).

Today, the students took a test on everything we've been covering in the past week.  Before I distributed the tests, I went over the review guide that was given to them on Monday to clear up any confusion.  The entire time I was trying to review with the class, Bob was over in his corner causing a disturbance.  Now, Bob went halfway through this course before, but was kicked out of school for a behavior problem for the remainder of that semester.  He should know this stuff, so I let that slide, thinking that Bob was just extra talkative today.

Bob doesn't sit in a traditional desk like the rest of the class: he sits in one of the corners, where there is a table with a roller chair.  He decided to roll over to my desk to take the test, which I was fine with.  I looked over at his test and, after answering nine out of the fifty questions, he started writing down random answers.  He then threw his test at me and said, "I'm tired of this crap.  I'm just going to do test corrections," thinking that he would gain half the credit of each unanswered question back.  I told him that would definitely not happen.

Once the students finished their tests, they were to start on an introductory assignment for the next section.  I waited a bit for Bob to cool off, then asked him to start on that so he wouldn't be just sitting there.  He waited ten minutes, then grabbed the assignment.  I left him alone until the end of class.

When the bell was about to ring, I called him over to my desk and asked what the random mood swing was about.  He responded by saying, "What?  Me being a dick?"  I disregarded his use of inappropriate language and reminded him that if he couldn't be respectful or do what was asked of him, then he would have to leave the class.  He didn't say a word in response.

Once the students left, I was highly annoyed with the way Bob had behaved... so much that I called his parents!  And here is the moral of the story: if you have a little shit (little brat, little devil, little _____) with an attitude in your class, call the parents.  This one offered so much support that she said she was going to "whoop his ass back in line."  Oh, the joys of teaching in rural NC...

The (Hidden) Big Question

It is becoming increasingly evident that my students are aware of my sexuality.  Though my first period doesn't seem to make this a big issue, my fourth period makes it quite obvious with all the snickers, behind-the-back remarks, and questionable looks...

...and don't forget the "subtle" questions such as the one I was asked today!  Bob, I have learned, is a very outgoing and outspoken student.  He says what is on his mind and could care less if anyone else thinks it's right or appropriate.  An honest quality... but, most of the time, it just makes him seem like an arrogant pompous ass.

Today, as the students were working on their classwork, I was walking around the room to make sure they weren't running into any problems.  When I got to Bob, he said that he had two questions to ask me.  He said this with a slight grin on his face, which led me to suspect that (one) the question wasn't about math, and (two) there was an ulterior motive to asking his questions.  Upon his asking it, my suspicions were confirmed.

"Mr. Howard, do you have a girlfriend?"

As soon as he asked it, I knew what he really meant to ask was, "Are you gay?"  I kept my cool and retorted, "I don't see why that has anything to do with your assignment, and if that second question is what I think it is, then you're going to the office.  That is a question you should not ask a teacher."  Then, I walked away and the second question was left unasked.

I am very disappointed at how I handled this situation, but I'm so torn as to what I should have done.  Part of me feels that I shouldn't have to hide who I am to my students, but I get the feeling that so many of them have homophobic beliefs - ones severe enough that may personally threaten me.  I also question the appropriateness of the situation.  I have been told to keep all personal details concerning sexuality a secret, but I don't think sharing that part of who I am is inappropriate.

I don't want to lie to my students by denying the fact that I'm gay (this wouldn't work anyway) but, at the same time, I don't want to just overtly confirm their suspicions by outing myself.  I know my students are in school to learn geometry, but they are also here to learn how to become a well-functioning person in our society.  There are all kinds of people out there: gay, straight, black, white, Hispanic, fat, skinny, etc. and they all deserve to be treated with as much respect as the next person.

This is such a slippery issue, and I would love your thoughts...

:)

Blatant Homophobic Remarks

Today was my first taste of a blatant homophobic remark against me.  I knew it was only a matter of time!  In fourth period, I began class right off the bat with a quick lecture on parallel lines.  They were surprisingly attentive.  Being that this is the last period of the day, the students are usually talkative and ready to get out of school.  After the lecture, they got practice in working with theorems on parallel lines by making a theorem booklet, then they worked in small groups for the rest of class.  

Throughout the small group work, one of my students (Ray) was disrupting class.  He kept making animal noises.  I firmly reminded him that this was a classroom - not a zoo - and to keep all noises to himself.  He did it once more; so, I calmly walked over to him and offered a detention if he couldn't keep his trap shut.  He didn't make another noise but, for the rest of class, he kept a stern watch on me.

At the end of class, Ray was talking with a small group of students about how a boy they knew had skipped class.  Ray, casually and loudly enough for me to hear, said, "I bet Mr. Howard would skip with him," suggesting that I would engage in inappropriate relations with said student.  At first, I was going to let it slide but, after seeing the students' reactions, I quickly pulled him over to my desk.  I could see that Ray had been struggling with his homophobia for a while and I decided that this was the time to nip it in the bud.

He sat down in front of me and I began my rant... "Ray, you seem to be under the impression that I am gay or feminine... I say this because I have been hearing these inappropriate and snide comments you've been making about me.  I want you to know that these are not acceptable and, if I hear any more of them, you will be sent straight to the office.  I have given you respect from day one and there is no excuse for why you can't return the same.  I don't care what your beliefs about homosexuality are but, when you enter my classroom, you leave them at the door.  Do you understand?"

Mr. Warren was sitting there the whole time and, after I finished, he told Ray to leave the class.  I'm glad to know that I have his support.

Throughout this "rant," Ray sat there with a smirk on his face.  I hope I got through to him, but only time will tell.  One thing's for sure, though: no more Mr. Nice Guy when it's concerned with this issue!  =)

...you know he's "G-A-Y," right?

     Since we missed two days last week because of snow, we all had to come in this Saturday.  At the end of 4th period, as students were getting ready to leave, one of them (we'll call him TJ) came over to my desk where I was sitting.  TJ is one of my lower-performing students and he has had a hard time understanding the material since class has started.  We had just finished taking a test, so I asked TJ how he thought he did.  We talked about the test for a few minutes and then the conversation progressed into small talk.

     Somehow we began talking about where I was from.  I told him I was from the Charlotte area and the first thing out of his mouth was, "Have you ever been to the Speedway there?"  I told him that I had and then he asked if I watched NASCAR (those of you who know me are probably laughing hysterically right now).  I, of course, said "no."  I also added that I don't even know much about it.  He then asked who my favorite driver was.  The only name that came to mind was Jeff Gordon, so that is what I went with.

     His response was interesting.  He began with, "Oh... well I can't really say how I think of him.  It wouldn't be nice, but... you know he's 'G-A-Y,' right?"

     Can't wait to hear your responses on this one!

6 Days Down, 44 To Go!

I am now proud (and relieved) to say that I have an entire week of student teaching under my belt – that’s 10% of my total time teaching!  :-)  Over the past week, I have been given a taste of what it is like to teach in one’s own classroom.  On the very first day, I distributed the syllabi and explained to the students what would be expected of them in class; they have been all mine ever since!

I can’t say yet whether I enjoy the experience of student teaching.  I am trying not to make any quick judgments but, to be honest, I really have not enjoyed it thus far.  I am fairly certain that this is simply because I am in a new set of circumstances.  I have been assuming the role of a student for the past sixteen years; I have been assuming the role of a teacher for just the past week.  Of course it’s going to be uncomfortable at first!  Last week, however, I almost couldn’t handle it.  I called two of my advisors/supervisors last week because I was seriously considering dropping out of student teaching and just graduating with an applied math degree – it was that unpleasant for me.  I know that the smart decision is to stick with it, but some part of me keeps thinking that I don’t want to work with kids, and it is making the decision to quit that much more appealing.

Another aspect adding to this unpleasantness is my fear of judgment by the students.  As I am up at the front teaching or walking around the room while the students are (supposed to be) doing their work, I notice many things about the students: their facial expressions, their quiet whispers, whether or not they are looking at me as I glance around the room.  I fear that they are murmuring amongst themselves that they have a gay student teacher and how gross that is or how much of a “fag” Mr. Howard is…  I realize that, while justified, this is a ridiculous fear to have on one’s mind because students will always find something about a teacher that is “different.”

What’s weird is that I feel so much more at ease in my first period class than in my fourth.  I feel like I don’t have to hide so much, which benefits everyone.  I am able to bring more of myself to the class and, as a result, I build a greater rapport with the students and the students learn more. 

My fourth period class, where the majority of students are male, is completely different however.  When I look out at these students, I am extremely intimidated.  I feel as though I have to have a guard up and that I can’t let any of them see the “real me.”  A comment made by one of the fourth-period students today rationalizes my feelings concerning this matter. 

We were reviewing perimeter of rectangles (P=2L+2W) :-).  I thought it would be fun to measure objects in the classroom by using a tape measurer.  I chose one student to help me measure the object while the other students watched.  To help see the real-world applicability of perimeter, I explained that if a person ever wanted to do renovations on his/her house, he/she needs to have basic knowledge of how to measure objects.  One of the students asked, “Mr. Howard, do you ever do renovations on your house?”  This might seem like an innocent question, but the way it was asked was definitely not.  He was trying to label me as a feminine man who has never picked up a hammer in my life.  I quickly responded with, “Do I look like I would do any renovations to you,” then kept going with the lesson, ignoring him for the rest of the time.

On a lighter note, my academic supervisor visited my classroom today to observe me.  Basically, she had nothing but good things to say about my lesson.  She complimented me on how I was able to engage the students and the fact that I kept things moving in class.  Mr. Warren was present during our meeting after class and, he too, had nothing but good things to say.  It gives me such a boost of confidence and faith to hear such positive remarks from people who have had experience in this field.

Those Shoes Are So Gay.

Before I began observing at Mountain Brook, I was a little intimidated by the amount of people claiming how homophobic and narrow-minded the people of the school were.  It is still too early to denounce such claims, but I have not seen nearly as much homophobic behavior as I thought I would.

The worst incident surrounding this issue took place one morning when my host teacher and I were sitting at our desks.  We were waiting for first period to begin and two students walked into the classroom.  They began talking with us about how their classes were going and then the conversation shifted about one of the student’s shoes.  He was wearing a pair of Vibram FiveFingers (the ones that show your toes).  The one wearing the Vibrams said that they were “the most comfortable shoes ever.”  The other student retorted, “Yeah, they’re also the gayest thing ever,” to which the Vibram-wearer did not seem to take offense.

I was unsure of how to respond to this.  For one, I did not know these students and I felt that if I informed them of the inappropriateness of what was said, then they would focus their hatefulness on me.  I wanted to tell them that that type of language was unacceptable, but I fell silent.  I was hoping Mr. Warren would say something but, to my surprise, he just looked away and grinned slightly.  Also, I questioned the seriousness of the situation:  If I say something, could it escalate into an argument?  What do I do if that occurs?  I bet they will spread rumors about me if I speak my mind (which is silly because students will always find something about you to make fun of).

After this happened, I felt guilty about not speaking up.  I wanted to make those kids realize that by calling a person or thing “gay” when you really mean it is “bad,” “stupid,” or “uncool,” you are putting an entire group of people down.  Although they may not have realized it, what was said was a form of hate speech, and I hate that I let it go.  However, at the same time, I do believe it was in my best interest to keep quiet.  I barely know anyone at this school and that was not the time to become controversial with any of the students or faculty.  Once I begin teaching… that is when I will not tolerate that kind of speech.

Fortunately, I have seen no signs of homophobic bullying; however, the presence of hegemonic masculinity is overwhelming.  This is a type of masculinity where men seek to prove their “manliness” to other men.  One of the ways this is accomplished is by deploring anything associated with femininity.  Society has stereotyped homosexual men into being flamboyant, feminine beings who never leave the house without a purse.  By these potential hegemonic-masculine men showing how masculine they are and how much they “hate the feminine,” they are essentially trying to prove that they are in no way, shape, or form homosexual (hence the negative association with homosexuality).

One of the biggest indicators of the presence of hegemonic masculinity is the clothes that the boys wear.  If it’s not camo, then it’s either black, blue, or red, and it has to be baggy.  Carhartt is also all the rage apparently.  Anyone who deviates from this clothing norm is more often than not ostracized and picked on.

I begin full-time teaching Monday, January 31.  I’ve been getting things in order for the first time and am excited and nervous.  Now, the fear of homophobic students is really one of the last things on my mind; I’m more focused on bettering my teaching practices and getting prepared for the upcoming semester.

Purpose

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!”

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

*****

As a mathematics education student about to embark on the journey of student teaching, there are many, many thoughts that run through my mind: Will my students like me? How am I going to make mathematics both enjoyable and applicable to them? Will my host teacher force me to conform to his teaching style or will he let me experiment with my own? What happens if the students, parents, or staff learn that I am gay?

The most pressing of these concerns is definitely the latter. To be a queer educator, especially in many parts of the South, means that you probably experience many negative incidents surrounding homosexuality. Students, or even staff and parents, may make homophobic remarks; if you are queer, then you might be pressured to hide it; or perhaps you may even be the victim of homophobic ridicule or violence.

In this blog, I intend to document my experiences concerning this issue in the high school at which I will intern during the Spring 2011 semester. I will record how I (or those involved) responded to the situation and reflect on it. To protect the identities of my students and colleagues, as well as my own, I will keep the details contained in this blog anonymous (with the exception of the following paragraph). All names that are used are fake and are there solely to protect the identities of all involved.

I will be teaching in a very rural high school in North Carolina. The population of the town where the school is located is just over 4,000. Almost 96% of the town’s inhabitants are white and roughly 13% of the entire population lies below the poverty line. The school itself has approximately 1,000 students. I will be teaching three geometry courses this Spring.

I have spoken to many people about this particular school (which we will call Mountain Brook High School or MBHS), and most have expressed concerns over the students’ general stance on homosexuality and other issues. Many of the people I spoke with seemed to be under the impression that many individuals involved with MBHS are close minded and very homophobic. My host teacher (whom we shall call Michael Warren aka Mr. Warren), in fact, said, “They’re all rednecks.” I, however, have not had much experience with MBHS.

Currently, I am nervous, doubtful, stressed… terrified… but I am also excited about what this new stage of my life has in store for me. I begin observing at Mountain Brook in just a few days, and then I start teaching sometime in mid-January. Wish me luck!!